Monday, December 21, 2009

The Good Jew Seeking G-d

Here I am petitioning the Most High in the winter of 95 or 96. Is the God of Israel here at the base of the wall? Does He know what is written in the paper stuck between the stones?

I was struck by Jer 2:
V5. What injustice did your fathers find in Me, that they went afar from Me and walked after emptiness and became empty? 

Like Wow.... walked after emptiness..

v17 Have you not done this to yourself by forsaking the LORD your God when He led you in the way?

v19 Your own wickedness will correct you, and your apostasies will reprove you; know therefore and see what is evil and bitter for you to forsake the LORD your God, and the dread of Me is not in you, declares the Lord God of Hosts.

How sobering.... the dread of Me is not in you.  What is the  dread of God......
God wants His faithless sons to return to Him:

Jer 3:22 Return O faithless sons, I will heal your faithlessness, Behold we come to You For You are the LORD our God..

There is hope....not despair...Heal my faithlessness O Lord... Amen.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Struggling in December

The holidays are tough times for those without families.  Everything around you is geared for families. The married woman I sat next to in Church pointed to the singles event in the calender like this was the solution to my  needs. There you go....we have something for even the likes of YOU.... is how it made me feel.   The Pastor reminded everyone to come to the Christmas eve Family service. I want to thank this kind man for another reminder that I do not have a family. I still have not figured out how single adult middle aged women fit in the body of Christ.  Are we second class or even third class members?  Are we part of Gods family or just the cast off's behind the barn...? Does God care about the those alone?  I am struggling to 'fight the good fight of faith; take hold of the eternal life to which you were called, and you made the good confession in the presences of many witnesses' 1Tim 6:12. As I get in my forties my emotions get wackier at times... during these days... the are some moments  want to give up. Is this the enemy, me or hormones or all three?  God's cruel curse on all woman I think... but... I need to remember to 'fight the good fight'..I would love for a man's shoulder to cry on at times... here's me... all I have is the blog to set my weeping to words..

I was not sure what to read next these dark cold days of my life. I had just finished 1Timothy. I decided Jeremiah would fit my frame of mind. I had only  read it once years ago before salvation. It is supposed to be a sad book.

Jeremiah..... brought memories of being in Jeruselem when would go to the wall and pray. I would bescheeh the G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob with  the despair I was going through at the time. The loniness, depression, and culture shock. Going 'Up to Jeruselem' was supposed to be the highlight of  a Jew's life.... yet there I was... still alone.. and in despair..wondering where G-d was...He was not there at the wall it seemed.

Now I read...

Jeremiah 1:5 (New American Standard Bible)

    5"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
         And before you were born I consecrated you;
         I have appointed you a prophet to the nations."

 A Prophet I am not but if God knew Jeremiah from in the womb He knows me as well. He knows my struggles, trials, loneliness, and at times despair. So... Why then despair.. Despair is someone without hope. I do have hope... in a God that knows me from the womb.

Lord help me to fight the fight of faith. Lord help me to walk the narrow path and not seek the wide path that leads to destruction. Help me to change my attitudes and perspective to those of Your word.  I do not see Christmas trees, malls, and Christmas parties and gift exchanges as part of Your word.  I would ask that You reveal Yourself to me in Your word. I would see Your church (Your Bride) not a a Mega Church where one goes to sit alone in a pew  but as Your body.. that Christ gave Himself up for her. Change my attitudes Lord and make them yours..

Friday, December 18, 2009

Bah Humbug

Honestly, I've been grumpy. Is it the cold, the dark short days? Or those joyful people with money and shopping lists to fill when I have no money?  The bills I cannot pay when I want to?  The doubt ... does God have cattle on a thousand hills? Am I grumpy because of  the constant reminders that am alone amidst the family holiday season? The unanswered questions of why does God give me the desire for companionship and desire  for children but hold it back seemly to torment me at times. Honestly, God...sometime You  seems cruel..especially around the holidays.

Yet.. I know God is not cruel. Everything is the Lord's
  psalm 24
 1 The earth is the LORD's, and everything in it,
       the world, and all who live in it;(including me)

Purim though... THIS is a holiday I like:  An aside: I wonder if God minds if I pick and choose what I like in His word?

Esther 9
 20 Mordecai recorded these events, and he sent letters to all the Jews throughout the provinces of King Xerxes, near and far, 21 to have them celebrate annually the fourteenth and fifteenth days of the month of Adar 22 as the time when the Jews got relief from their enemies, and as the month when their sorrow was turned into joy and their mourning into a day of celebration. He wrote them to observe the days as days of feasting and joy and giving presents of food to one another and gifts to the poor.

I would pray this prayer Lord: That You would provide relief from my enemies and turn my sorrow into joy and a day of celebration. May the enemy be drowned out of my life by more than a mere banging of pots and twirling of noise makers. Shouts of Yeah! when Mordecai's name is sounded to the shout of Joy when You get the victory!.. amen! Please make it so...

Sunday, December 13, 2009

One of those Sump Pump kind of days:

Batteries are HEAVY and I am weak. My discovery for today. Pain pills for my back are soon to come. I had to take a battery back to Menards after barely getting out of the car and into the crawl space before I realized I got some wrong advice..So goes my day, they were nice enough with me pounding on the door 3 minutes after it closed to open it up so I can return it.
Maybe a cleansing flood in my house would not be so bad. It's not like I do not have any pump Its just the backup that failed. Oh Yeah... I live in a place with more power outages than when I lived in the MIDDLE EAST.

From struggling to get a marine battery (they are HEAVY) out of the car to discouragement about everything. Whether I am down with my lot in life, my work, finances, church issues, doubts, singleness,  or  a simple thing like how I am going to be able to this battery to the sump pump; life sometimes overwhelms... Today life was overwhelming.

'Facts about God is not the same thing as knowing God.' - Paul Washer; He said that during a sermon I listed to today. Don't let you love become COMMON.

Lord ...  I want to come away with you and renew my love.

Song of Solomon 2
10 My lover spoke and said to me,
       "Arise, my darling,
       my beautiful one, and come with me.
 11 See! The winter is past;
       the rains are over and gone.
 12 Flowers appear on the earth;
       the season of singing has come,
       the cooing of doves
       is heard in our land.
 13 The fig tree forms its early fruit;
       the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.
       Arise, come, my darling;
       my beautiful one, come with me."

Friday, December 11, 2009

PPE: Personal Protective Equipment:

My work involves some hazards. I work with some dangerous chemicals, gases, equipment and  graduate students. Some the materials  will burn the skin, attack bone, scar the lungs or explode. Hydroflouric acid is particularly bad as it does not hurt until it gets to the bone. You do not know you have it on you until its too late. While I have been exposed and breathed in much through the years on the whole I have been protected. PPE: Protects the worker from the hazard. From wearing a respirator so as not to breath in the lead fumes to chemical gloves they both offer protection if used properly.  Yet, with all the advances made accidents still to happen.  People get hurt. It usually happens from  not putting protection on or not following the right instructions.

What happens  when discouragement, loneliness, grief, temptation, and lust come my way?  When I start to long for a tempting sin. I dwell upon it thinking it will make me feel better. The path to heaven is a narrow one.. Sometimes, the thought comes to go away from the path. If I follow the rules at work and put on protection there why do I have problems following Gods instructions? God offers protection for His children but it requires something from me as well. There is a action needed on my part.

The Armor of God 
Eph 6:11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Help me Lord to take up this armor when self pity, loneliness, temptation, grief, and sin want to strike me. You have offered protection to me the sinner, the daughter, the barren and lonely one. I just need wear the armor You have provided.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I Love to Breathe!

A few encouraging verses:
Gen 2:7 Then the LORD God formed man of dust from the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breathe of life; and man became a living being.  

Our very life comes from God... Our breath comes from God. Our body is made by God. We are not some random series of mutations from amino acids to flesh and bone. How could God not have made it all?

Gen 6:17 Behold, I, even I am bringing the flood of water upon the earth, to destroy all flesh in which is the breath of life....

Breath gives us life... God controls our breath. It gives us life... without which  the heart can do nothing. Our days are but a breath (Job 7:16)

I have always had trouble holding my breath. In Minnesota I took kayak lessons once and failed miserably at it. We had to flip the kayak and hold your breath and tap on the exterior of the kayak (upside down in the water) while counting to some number. I would always panic. Needless to say, a Lake Superior kayak trip was not in my future. As a youngster, I tried smoking and never managed... I felt extremely 'uncool' about the whole thing. Now.. I acknowledge to the Most High God... He gives me breath.. With my asthma, that which I took for granted I now thank God  for who is the provider of my breath. He sustains me.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Truth: God's Word

Psalm 47:2 (New International Version)

 2 How awesome is the LORD Most High,
       the great King over all the earth!

Psalm 47:2 (New American Standard)
  For the Lord Most High is to be feared, A great King over all the earth!

AWE: an overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration, fear, etc., produced by that which is grand, sublime, extremely powerful, or the like: in awe of God;

I recently had someone email me a cartoon of Jesus. I have been greatly bothered
this , not only for the bad teaching of the text but the cartoon depiction of Jesus. I am even more disturbed that even though the text has incorrect teaching that there is a higher meaning in the cartoon that I am apparently not getting. What happen to holding God in esteem, honor, and fearing the Lord? Are we to treat the Lord Most High in a lite handed manner?

Are we not supposed to fear and be in awe of God? Should we dilute the truth with untruth just to depart some deeper meaning or to be cute and clever?

I am spirit is subdued..  I never want to handle Gods word lightly ever again. I never again want to believe in only part of the of Gods truth. If it is not true, why live? All will be lost if God is not who He says.
How I have sinned against God in all I have done in my life. I am undone...

My soul cleaves to the dust;
Revive me according to your word.
I have told of my ways, and You have answered me;
Teach me Your statues.
Make me understand the way of Your Precepts,
so I will meditate on Your wonders.
My soul weeps because of grief;
Strengthen me according to Your word.
Remove the false way from me.
And graciously grant me Your law.
Ps 119:25-29

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Be Diligent : Do others see progress in my life?

1 Timothy 4:15 
In my reading tonight, I came across this verse and it kind of struck me on how it applies to my life. Paul was writing to Timothy about his ministry, his spiritual gift, his speech, conduct, love, faith and purity. He was to be an example to others. He was to use the gifts God had given to him. His life (purchased by God's Son) was to be an example. Is this only for Timothy or does it apply to the believers of today as well? Is my hope on the Living God (1Tim 5:10)? Is Gods word alive and living and working in my heart?

Am I giving wholly of myself, being absorbed, being immersed,  and throwing myself into the task at hand? Does 1Tim 4:15 apply to my life and if so.. am I being diligent? Do others see progress? 

(New International Version) : Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress.

(New American Standard Bible): Take pains with these things; be absorbed in them, so that your progress will be evident to all. 

(King James Version): Meditate upon these things; give thyself wholly to them; that thy profiting may appear to all.

(English Standard Version): Practice these things, immerse yourself in them, so that all may see your progress.

(New Living Translation): Give your complete attention to these matters. Throw yourself into your tasks so that everyone will see your progress. 

Dear Father... make this verse (Your word) real and active in my life.

Friday, November 27, 2009

"All Gods Kids are Getting It." - Pastor James MacDonald

Trials:  I don't like them.. I long for the easy life where my needs are cared for and my every want is granted. I would be living in La Jolla California in a nice house with a rich husband. I would spend my days between shopping and the beach.  How self centered I am. Pastor James talks about refusing to submit to Gods agenda will result in bitterness and then profane living. I want what I want. Oh, how I can relate to this.  Hebrews 12: 15 See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. I think parts of my life have been bitter. It is so easy to get bitter about the difficulties of life. Life is not fair.. but God is still God. He is in charge, we are not. 

Hebrews 3:
7 So, as the Holy Spirit says:
   "Today, if you hear his voice,
    8do not harden your hearts
   as you did in the rebellion,
      during the time of testing in the desert,
 9where your fathers tested and tried me
      and for forty years saw what I did.
 10That is why I was angry with that generation,
      and I said, 'Their hearts are always going astray,
      and they have not known my ways.'
 11So I declared on oath in my anger,
      'They shall never enter my rest.' "[a]

May the Lord  remind me of His word as I struggle through lifes trails. I would 'run to a place of submission' instead of going my own way.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Fences: What are they good for?

What is a fence for... is it a decoration; purely frivolous; or is it for protection ? Do I need fences in my life? Last week I was reading Pastor James MacDonald's blog. He had a posting on fences.
Do I need protection from moral failure? Who me? I don't think so.. I can see Pastors needing this protection but not me.. definitely.. not me..They are in the public's eye..I personally can handle life's temptations..
Reading the word today - 1Thessalonians 2:12 walk in manner worthy of God... Who me? Really God... worthy of You? No man can be worthy.. it's an impossible task that you ask.
1 Thessalonians 4:3 this is the will of God; your sanctification; that is you abstain from sexual immorality...
do You (God) have to put it so bluntly?
Fences: to help protect me from moral failure.. Well, I am not so sure what I think about it and how fences apply to my life. I heard from others in my life about their fences.. not getting in a car with a man you are not married to. I thought that was a little crazy. Some do not eat alone with another man they are not married to.. Well. how else am I going to meet a guy... locked away in my house? I have been known to go on lunches and dinners with married and single men from work or socially. Usually nothing much happens then someone asked... why not take someone... well.. was I wishing something happened? What...NO... . are these Jesus loving friends reading my mind?? Grrrrrr.. How can that be? Should I go hide in shame now?

Does God want me to put these fences up? I am not sure.. maybe... perhaps...part of me desires... I hope not.
Straddling close to the fence... it adds excitement and danger.. Whats wrong with chatting it up a cute male coworker? Getting to know him and his life?

A few years ago I went on a business trip with a male coworker. For 3 days, we did everything together.. the end results.. I was glad I was NOT married to the guy.. I learned way to much about him and him me.
Does God want me to put up some fences in my life? I am not sure. My line of work is mostly with men and it is a fact of life I need to deal with. Is there some fencing that can be laid? I think so.. but do I want God to change me in this area of my life.. Honestly, part of me does not. I like the attention of men when I can get it and I like giving them attention. Every day when I come home I am reminded that I am alone in the world.. Will getting involved with a man solve that? Can I lower my standards... will the God of the Universe still love me if I fall in this area?

I am reminded.. 1 Thessalonians 4:3 this is the will of God; your sanctification; that is you abstain from sexual immorality...

Lord help... this is what I will ask. I am a sinner.. who still desires sin.. please change me and my desires to be in line with your word.
Proverbs 4:26 ponder the path of my feet and let all your ways be established.

These things are a struggle.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Church: Whats it all about...

What is the church and where do I fit in? I know the 'key words' the church is the body of believers.. but what does it really mean to me this single old fat chick? Especially in this day and age of the big church... Where you never actually get to talk to the 'Shepard'.

I have been in real authoritarian churches and a cult.. and to many in the middle. I went to one in January in Wheaton.. I thought was being run by college kids... it was wacky. I could write a book... the most strict, the most unfriendly, the wackiest, the church that 'pray reads', the church the 'you have to pay to learn to speak in tongues', the church where they only want 'workers', the church that can not deal with 'singles', the scary church, the depressing one and on and on.. I used to get reminded about how depressed and lonely I was when I went to church.

As a one who trusted and still trusts in the Lord for my salvation; I find myself attending a church where I am under conviction of my sin all the time.. You know... this is hard to take!.. I am so used to where go to church and leave and nothing changes in your life. Now... What are you supposed to do when God seems to be always getting on my case.. is it really God? How do you know?

What really is God's church, how should it be run, and where do I fit in? How should I respond when I am feeling under conviction? How do I know.. this guilt is from God and not just the 'church' or being in a crowd? Do I have to agree with everything? What are the lines? Does God even care? I am not sure... hopefully God will show me what He thinks about it.

What is a Godly church and how does it work? You know... I am not really sure.. All I know.. I am very confused over the whole thing. I have been down so many paths I find it very difficult to trust leaders in church. Onward on the narrow path I go...I may hit a few walls on the way and fall down some but I will move forward.

Monday, November 2, 2009

A More Excellent Way of Marriage

Hi All.

I am in Ephesians this week. I am trying to read the word as real and living. There is truth there that applies to my life. As I read Eph 5:22-33 I find myself wondering.. okay Lord... I can ignore this now.. This part... does not apply... NEXT...

All these years... so called friends... your too fat, your need to dress up, your too assertive, or wear makeup in order to get a guy..'Christian women' who would tell me to just look for a decent guy that believes in God...A good Jewish guy would do or Catholic. I found single woman greatly outnumber single men at the churches I had gone to in the past... beside... American men... are not attracted to short, chubby ladies... now... if I lived in Italy.... Ha.... I must move to Italy!

One of the last weddings I went to.. this Pastor told the bride 'smart women have a harder time submitting to their husbands' as if to admonish her. Two couples I loved... one husband abandoned his wife another one left the wife of his youth for a friend of mine. The husband who abandon his family... I use to think he was a 'great guy'. Both families were devastated. A wreck was left in the wake of that mess. I have seen so much pain through the years and unhappiness in people I come to care a lot about yet some people seem to get by with okay marriages.. yet there is still seems to be something missing.

How is this 'marriage' thing supposed to work? Is all hope lost? Can a believing man demand his wife submit to him? It says in the book here as he throws it in front of her face... A woman who complains about her husband to me yet at the same time.. demeans him in front of others... or places her own needs and wants before those of her husbands.

Is there a better way? There are marriage books out there... I have read of few..
the five love languages.. other christian hype...there is some value is understanding how the opposite sex thinks.. yet

What speaks to me about this passage of Christ.. who gave Himself up for the Church... He will wash the church (us) in his word, sanctify (set apart), and present the church holy blameless to Himself.. He wants this for His church.. which includes both men and woman.. we are to submit to His word.. putting others first before themselves. For wives, this would be their husbands.. Out of Love for their Lord and Savior... they will submit to their husbands putting his needs first..
Husbands.. will love their wives... even to death on the cross.. As Christ gave Himself for the Church..

God the Creator of both men and woman... has determine this is the more excellent way. He knows man... Husbands long for the respect of their wives.. Wives long for the care and protection of their husbands..

This goes against the very grain of society today... What can God show me... the short fat lady...This was His plan from the beginning.. I can pray for those who are married that they would follow His plan.. It is the best way.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

singleness and the old maid

I really like this article on singleness

I took this out of a blog I found interesting and pursued it back to the original article. I lifted a few paragraphs.

Even though I had somewhat attended church before salvation I was starting to justify sexual immorality something that is no big deal. Single woman greatly outnumber single men in church so why not.. that kind of thing. It would make my family happy for me to be with someone. They would not mind me living with someone. I had gotten really sick of the stories from church about the aunt that got married in her 70's. Be content... all that other crap.. Besides in Minnesota.. no ones Ever confronts anyone in church..who would know?
I know marriage is not the end all. I have had many friends get divorce. But still.. I am so tired of being out of place in society...

Pursuing Marriage Is The Only Way To Get Married

According to the National Marriage Survey, 86 percent of singles want to marry. So it is unhelpful to mentor such Christian singles with platitudes like "God is all you need," or "just focus on Christ," or "the church is your family."

These truisms, taken alone, are of course indisputable. God is our all-sufficient, all-satisfying Creator who withholds no good thing from those who walk uprightly (Ps. 84:11). The church is indeed the antitype to which biological families merely point (Eph. 3:14-15, Matt. 12:49-50), hence the Scriptural language of the "household of faith" (e.g. Gal. 6:10).

But the problem with using these phrases in isolation is that we end up overlooking the fact that God uses means to bring about His intended ends. "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord" (Prov. 18:22) — but he finds her (no fancy Greek here — the he refers to the groom, not to God).

Only with regard to getting married do we sometimes ignore or overlook our responsibility to act. We all know that we don't get college degrees by "waiting on the Lord." We generally don't get jobs that way either: "Unemployed? Just be content and He'll provide." We don't even get dinner that way. "You want a hamburger? Be careful not to idolize beef."

Holding Truths In Tension

So how do we pass between Scylla and Charybdis in addressing singles on the topic of marriage? We must simultaneously hold several truths in tension: An essential aspect of loving singles is being open to helping them in the process toward marriage, while recognizing:

* our relationship with Christ is more important than our marital state
* some singles are uniquely gifted to remain single for greater kingdom effectiveness
* many singles struggle profoundly with loneliness, lust, fornication, and the like, and welcome (or should welcome) loving, gracious, and balanced input on the process toward marriage from Christians who care about their souls and their bodies
* for most, marriage will be a means of profound sanctification, and they ought to responsibly (and diligently) move in this direction even as they embrace other adult responsibilities
* just as God ordains the ends, He ordains the means. The means may include overcoming your fear and telling a girl how you feel.7 They may include giving a guy a chance, even though you grew up seeing your parents go through a divorce, and you've closed your heart like a shell.

In community with God's people, singles can discern their calling and (where appropriate) pursue marriage honorably. May God bless and help us all — single or married — as we strive to live for His glory.

* * *

Sunday, August 16, 2009

God Never Lets Go

This song really touched me today. I have been struggling with sin these last few weeks. One day... these troubles will end.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


It has been a tough week. I am discouraged about my life. I am not sure why.
Perhaps it in unending debt? The job has gotten too busy and demanding? The struggle with singleness yet surrounded by men I should not consider? The not understanding the bible and issues of faith? Or is it my horrible walk with God? The latter I think.

I want to be sold out to God but things keep getting in the way. It is easy to be distracted, to have doubts, and questions with no answers or it seems like that.

How to serve and love the Lord with my whole heart soul and strength.

Ps 42:11 Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God.
Proverbs 8:22-31 Wow.. I am not sure I understand. Wisdom was at the beginning.. So wisdom is Christ?

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Pondering My Path

Proverbs 4:18 But the path of righteous is like the new dawn, that shine brighter and brighter until the full day.

The path of the believer is one of increasing light. MacArthur Study bible..

Does this mean that God will not hide from us the path we are to be on? Another commentary says the path of the just grows better and brighter all the time.. Macdonald (Believers Bible Commentary)

This probably does not mean there will be no trials or sufferings.. Or does it mean our works get brighter and brighter.. (seeking truth)... I am probably mistaken..

I am realizing the majority of paths I have taken are the wrongs ones...I want to be on the righteous path for the rest of my life... God willing.

Monday, July 6, 2009


1John 5:13,14 trying to comprehend it tonight.

so that I may know that you have eternal life

Eph 3:12 in whom we have boldness and confident access through faith in Him.

Confidence before the Lord.. How does this relate to what I am studying in that Jame Macdonald book 'Gripped by the Greatness of God".

Isaiah 6:5 Woe is me, for I am ruined!
Because I am a man of unclean lips,
And I live among a people of unclean lips;
For my eyes have seen the King, The Lord of Hosts

Does Salvation allow us into Gods presence by the death of his Son?

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Contemplating Baptism

Well... the church I am attending is having a baptism in at the end of the month.. The question is: should I get baptized? It does say in the scripture repent and be baptized in the name of the Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of sins..

The issue is:: I have been baptized before... several times in fact
1. Church in Anaheim: as a teenager... of course.. this was a cult.. I called on the name of the Lord and was 'saved'.. Didn't really know who Jesus was or what he did for me..But I was a follower of Witness Lee because I liked the feeling of belonging.
2. messianic congregation: because know I knew I needed a savior... Yeshua..Jesus as the messiah.. who was definitely not my Lord.
3. mikvah: as a conservative jewish convert at the University of Judaism..It was supposedly as 'spiritual' cleansing.. immerse naked in the water.. fully 3 times, say some prayers, woman was present as well to make sure I fully went under as some rabbi's (behind a wall) to witness the act.
4. fundamentalist baptist: because I acknowledge again my need for a savior and that my following of the jewish faith was flawed.. I was also told now that I was 'saved' I needed to be a member of the church. Members had to be baptized. Jesus was not my Lord then as well.

So... should I or shouldn't I? Also.. I attend this HUGE Harvest Bible Chapel and do not really know anyone that well. I have started to make a few friends. You are supposed to go to the front and talk with a elder about it.. do they know how awkward this is or scary? These people do not know me.. Should I wait for 100% assurance that this time it is for real? Pastors... they intimidate me...

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Don't Be Fooled, The Pew Won't Save You! by Bob Jennings

Good Stuff.

Salvation: my confidence grows.

Friday, July 3, 2009


I was listening to and they mentioned this verse..
Titus 1:16
They profess to know God, but by their deeds they deny Him, being detestable and disobediant and worthless for any good deed..

This was me.... I did not even know where the book of Titus was I had not looked at it in so long.

Salvation: Exam yourselve

I thought I was a believer in the Messiah for many years.. He was always in my life but definitely taking the back seat. I did not agree with many things in the bible but did acknowledge my need for a savior. My behavior was not right before God and my life was my own. My sin was overwhelming me.. It was getting easier and easier to not live according to Gods laws which I did not really know anyway. The bible was quickly only becoming a 'suggestion' for living. I was finally confronted with my lack of christian walk and faith in Gods word. I had started to doubt I was saved.. I then decided to trust in Him for my salvation and make him the Lord of my life. I asked God to change my mind to made it agree with his. I had thought he did. I started to have joy in my life for the first time.. like.. ever. Then doubts started..
Was it real..??

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Lordship Salvation

It makes things clearer. I need to read it again when I am not so tired. It makes the Fourth Baptist Salvation seem ... weak..

A Fourth Baptist Salvation

How do we become a Christian?

We have seen that Christianity in its essence is first and foremost Jesus Christ, and a personal relationship with Him. Let me suggest three steps which all of us must take in order to have a personal relationship with Christ:

  1. There Is Something For Us To Admit.

    All of us must be ready to admit that we are sinners, that our sins have separated us from our God, that we must turn from our sins and that we need a Savior.

    For there is not a just man on earth who does good and does not sin. (Ecclesiastes 7:20)
    But your iniquities have separated you from your God; and your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear. (Isaiah 59:2)
    Truly, these times of ignorance God overlooked, but now commands all men everywhere to repent. (Acts 17:30)
    And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son as Savior of the world. (1 John 4:14)

    It is only as we admit our needy condition that we are ready to receive the solution provided by Jesus Christ.

    When Jesus heard it, He said to them, those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance. (Mark 2:17)
  2. There Is Something For Us To Believe

    We must believe that Jesus Christ is who He claimed to be - the Son of God and God the Son, and the Savior whom we admit to needing. In Jesus of Nazareth, God became man and laid down His life on the cross as a ransom for our lost souls.

    We must believe in Christ’s incarnation (the eternal Son was made flesh); His crucifixion (the Son of God was made sin, i.e., an offering for sin); and His resurrection (the crucified Savior was raised to life bodily and physically as a vindication of His person and work).

    In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. (John 1:1)
    And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth. (John 1:14)
    For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. (2 Corinthians 5:21)
    I am He who lives, and was dead, and behold, I am alive for evermore. Amen. And I have the keys of Hades and of Death. (Revelation 1:18)

    Of course there is more to the Christian faith than these basic components, but these are at the very center of the truth we are called to believe.

  3. There Is Something For Us To Do

    Admitting our need as sinners and believing that Jesus has come and died to be our Savior still leaves us one step short of having the necessary relationship with Him.

    We must act to receive Him into our lives as our own personal Savior.

    "Men and brethren, what shall we do?" (Acts 2:37)
    "Sirs, what must I do to be saved?" (Acts 16:30)
    But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name. (John 1:12)
Is there a simple "picture" of how to do this?

Yes! Perhaps the clearest picture we have of what this looks like is in Revelation 3:20. Jesus says: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me."

Jesus calls us to "hear His voice" and "open the door." Jesus "stands" at the threshold of our life speaking and knocking. If we have heard His voice in the text of Scripture defining the shape of our need as sinners and affirming that He is the Savior from sin, and if we admit that He is right about us and believe that He is who He claimed to be, then He calls us to "open the door."

We must invite Him in from the threshold outside our life into the dining room inside our life. Then we are given the gracious promise: "I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me." This is a glorious picture of shared joys, reciprocal fellowship, forgiven sins and eternal salvation!

From our heart

If you have not already done so, we urge you to receive this gracious gift which the crucified and risen Christ waits to give you at this moment. Do you hear His voice? Then open the door! You have this promise: "Whoever calls upon the name of the Lord shall be saved" (Romans 10:13).

Making such a decision is never the end, but it is an indispensable beginning. This is life’s most critical decision, and if you choose to make it, please grant us the privilege of knowing that. We would delight to help you in your spiritual growth once you decide to enter the Christian faith: "As newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the Word, that you may grow thereby" (1 Peter 2:2).

There is no Jesus as Lord and Savior.. We only acknowledge, recieve, believe, and turn once toward him. Does the King of the Universe care what I do with my life? To Paul.. he was both Christ and Lord...

Messianic Quest

Here's the Gospel, the Good News, in a nutshell: And, brothers, I declare to you the gospel which I preached to you, which also you have received, and in which you stand; by which you also are being kept safe, if you hold fast the word which I preached to you, unless you believed in vain. For I delivered to you first of all that which I also received, that Christ died for our sins, according to the Scriptures, and that He was buried, and that He rose again the third day according to the Scriptures. (1 Corinthians 15:1-4)

In order for a Jew to be saved he must believe that Jesus died for his sins, that He was buried, and that He rose bodily from the dead. The exclusivity of this way was emphasized by Peter in his address to an audience of Jewish listeners: And there is salvation in no other One; for there is no other name under Heaven given among men by which we must be saved (Acts 4:12).

While attending Adat Hamaschiah.... I did believe that Yeshua died for my sins... It did not change my life though.. I (and others) got caught up in Jewish rituals, feast, and holidays. I got caught up so much is the 'trappings' I wanted to officially become a jew and move to Israel..
make 'Aliyah' go up.... it was true calling of a jew... how screwed up is that.. I wrote off debt to go. and lied to some people.. how God honoring was that...

Romans 10

Moses describes in this way the righteousness that is by the law: "The man who does these things will live by them."a]">[a] 6But the righteousness that is by faith says: "Do not say in your heart, 'Who will ascend into heaven?'b]">[b]" (that is, to bring Christ down) 7"or 'Who will descend into the deep?'c]">[c]" (that is, to bring Christ up from the dead). 8But what does it say? "The word is near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart,"d]">[d] that is, the word of faith we are proclaiming: 9That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. 11As the Scripture says, "Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame."e]">[e] 12For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, 13for, "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."f]">[f]

I still remember being told when I was 16...all I had to do.. was say "O Lord Jesus" and I would be saved. I did not even know who Jesus was.. but the recovery church pointed this verse to me and said it was a done deal... 'Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.." It was a lie if there ever was one.. obviously they misunderstood the scriptures.

At work contemplating bigger things.

Trying to figure out salavation.. It is a free gift.. but how is one saved and how do you know for sure? My knowledge of the bible is weak at best.. who is correct? call on the name of the Lord and be saved? what does that really mean? What if I sin... and fall..? What if you only believe in Jesus was the substitutionary atonement for your sins but do not get the rest of the bible..

Sunday, May 17, 2009

New Life

May 10, Sunday evening... I started to realize I was holding onto God to make my life easy and to solve my problems. He was not doing a very good job. I began to realize Jesus is not there to help me along lifes journey but to save me from Gods wrath for my sin. He was my savior.. not my personal assistant!

Although... a personal assistant would be nice too.

I was a sinner who needed saving. A big screwup.. one who did not keep Gods laws.. For a time.. I was believing the bible irrelevant to my life..How I was wrong.

Examine yourselves to see if you faith is really genuine. Test yourselves .2Cor13:5